It can cut so deeply, permeate inside you, scar you forever.

How do you recover? How do you move on, when it’s a deep ache within, that seeps out your unhealed wounds with every reminder of it or anytime you are left alone with yourself and thoughts.

It seems, the worst pains, are the pains without closure. The pains that you have endured, from people that offer no remorse, empathy or apology.

Now here’s the bitter truth, if that’s what you feel you need, to be able to move on, heal or forgive… it may never happen for you.

So, how do you move on?

I recieved this quote the other day, from a Christian web site;

“True respect for another comes from self respect. True love for another comes from self love. True forgiveness for another comes from self forgiveness.”

Deep, isn’t it?

How many people, when hurt, turn around and hurt themselves?

How many retract into their own world of self pity, self hate, cut themselves, drink, do drugs and punish themselves after being hurt by someone else?

Somehow, feeling, somewhere deep inside, that they deserve it. They don’t deserve better. That somehow, they brought it upon themselves, blame themselves.

Can you see how that quote, applies?

How could we possibly have the ability to forgive someone else, when we can’t even forgive ourselves?

Simply, we can’t. We can’t heal from outer wounds, while self inflicting our own wounds.

We have to go inside ourselves, to the root of the problem. We have to look at ourselves, go over each mistake we have made, feel the pain, forgive ourselves for it and then release it. Which is a hard, but necessary process.

Secondly, we have to stop listening to our own lies. The battle field is in the mind, and there are deep rooted lies that you have been telling yourself, for years, maybe your whole life. That inner voice that talks down to you, that tells you that you deserve it, that lies and tells you that you don’t deserve love, kindness or any other good treatment. The lies that tell you that you deserved what happened to you, because you might have condemned yourself for something you had done in the past, that you haven’t forgiven yourself for. Or maybe you didn’t meet your expectations, or maybe the truth in your mind has become so twisted that now, when your abuser tells you that you caused it because you didn’t do something they think you should have done,said or been..or that you’ve brought it on because of something you did do, said or were at some point, you now allow yourself to believe it over that tiny inner voice within that tells you, that it’s not true.

You will be a prisoner all your life, if you remain in your cell, while holding the keys to freedom in your hands.

Release yourself!

NO, you didn’t deserve it. YES, it was unfair.

You have every right to feel hurt, betrayed, mislead, abandoned, used, lied to, lied about, unfairly mistreated, cheated and on and on… but you have to LET IT GO!

I know, easier said than done. You may feel like, perhaps, they don’t deserve it. (To be forgiven ) Maybe you are now full of bitterness, vindictive and spiteful. You may be full of anger, hate, you want to lash out. You want to hurt them back. You want them to feel pain, too.

Don’t sink to their level. Don’t bring yourself down to them, and meet them at the low point. Don’t argue, don’t fight, don’t seek revenge. Let it go, give it to GOD. Forgive or you will never be free of the bondage, holding you back from the blessings that are waiting to be released to you.

Let go, let GOD. Let him bring you justice, trust in him and know that he wants to give you that victory. Victory over your enemies, victory over sickness, strongholds, victory in every area of your life.

You are not a survivor, you are a conqueror.

When we hold onto the hurt, the anger, the negative feelings;  We give it power over us. You hating, hurting, feeling the way you do, hurts you!

The longer you hold onto it, the deeper the bitter seed is planted inside of you, and harder to weed out. A bitter root produces bitter fruit, and it will be harvested somewhere in your life. In your health, in your relationships, in your work life, temperament, attitude, outlook and you might not even realize why things are going sour.

Make the choice to heal yourself, for you. Make the choice to forgive, if you have to say it out loud- ” I forgive you ______”, or ” I forgive myself for ____”,  and say it until you feel it start to feel some of the heaviness lift off you. You can even ask GOD to help you forgive, and heal.  It might not be overnight, but it will come, and when it does you will feel so much better, happier and free. You regain your power and are free to love and be open, again, to people and blessings that may have been blocked by the hurt and bitterness within you.

In Matthew 18:21-35 The scripture tells us that Peter asked Jesus how many times should he forgive someone who sinned against him, asking “Up to seven times?”

And Jesus replied: ““I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.”

He also says that must forgive with all your heart, if you want your father in heaven, to forgive you.

Also, on wanting to pay people back, be vengeful, spiteful seeking revenge-

Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. – Romans 12:19

So, at the end of all, we are told through scripture to  let GOD execute judgement and vengeance (revenge) and also to be openly forgiving.

Let it go!

Forgive others, forgive yourself and be healed, be happy and move on.

• 3/4 cup ( 1 1/2 sticks ) butter or margarine, softened
• 3/4 cup packed light brown sugar
• 2 eggs
• 2 cups all purpose flour
• 1 teaspoon backing soda
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1 2/3 cups ( 10 ounce package ) or 2 cups ( 12 ounce package ) Hershey’s butterscotch Chips1 cup chopped nuts ( optional ) <— I opted out of this one

1. Heat oven to 350F. Grease 13x9x2 inch backing pan
2. Beat butter,sugar, in a large bowl until creamy. Add eggs; beat well. Stir together flour,baking soda and salt; gradually add in butter, blending well. Stir in butterscotch chips and nuts, if desired. Spread into pan.
3. Bake 30 to 35 mins or until top is golden brown and center is set. Cool in pan on a wire rack. Cut into bars. (makes about 36 bars )

(recipe from Hershey’s easy baking, recipe book)

Today, the Friday of the first week of January is a beautiful day. I had the windows open to let some air in. I had sat outside with no coat on last night, looking for the moon. (Hidden behind the clouds) It’s lovely. It’s 9 degrees Celsius [48 degrees Fahrenheit]  at 9:30 pm. Which is great and all..but there’s something a little off here. I live in Southern Canada!

Mind you, I am not complaining! I’m loving it.

It’s just not…normal.

It’s not just me, some people I know in the U.S are experiencing it too.

Again, not complaining but I wonder what the consequences will be. For the wildlife, nature, farmers. I know ice wine makers are not happy. The birds seem to be really confused. I’ve sat outside and watch the Canadian Geese practically fly in a large circle, like they didn’t know where to go.

Now, I can be a happy little sheeple and pretend it’s “normal“. Ignore the sun and moon being out of place, or the different (but awesome) weather. The uptick of earthquakes, volcanic activity, mass fish surfacing dead and birds falling out the sky and go jump in line for an over priced pair of shoes…

BUT I prefer to stay watchful.

Either winter is going to hit us hard the next few months, or earth is truly out of wack.

1) Face Moisturizer!.

Now apart from sun screen, this is a must people!A lot of women and men don’t see the significance of using these kinds of products, some people even use things like Keri lotion or Jergens on their face ( gasp) You need moisturizer specifically for the face, and make sure its for your skin type as well. If you are prone to breakouts, look for one that says – non comedogenic ( which means it won’t block your pores ) Now you may think, because you are “young” that its not necessary to use sunscreen or face creams at your age, but believe me, You will wish you did ten years later Start young!

2) Face Primer.

Face primer is great, with or without foundation. It can fill in fine lines and give your appearance a smooth, virtually pore-less appearance. It is key for a flawless and long wearing foundation application. It doesn’t have to be high end, you can also get face primer at your local drugstore ( Like Hard candy and Revlon, etc )

3) Foundation.

When choosing a foundation, if you can’t get a professional to match you, a good trick is to swatch it on the inside of your wrist, where the coloring is closest to your facial coloring. Of course your face color will change, seasonally, so you can get two different shades or just get a bronzer for summer to add on  top your base foundation. Look for a foundation that has little to no, Titanium Dioxide, and if it does make sure it’s further down on the ingredients list. Titanium Dioxide is what causes that “white glowing mask” on your face when pictures are taken, so for day to day, foundations with it are fine but for being photographed…noooooot so much! Heh.

4) Eye Primer.

Same shadow, you can see the difference between the swatch over the primer

  Eye primer, like face primer, makes application smoother, makes blending easier &adds to staying the staying power of your make up. It makes the color “pop”and stops it from “creasing”. Trust me, if you love your eye shadow, you NEED primer.

5)Lip Balm.

-Because nobody likes crusty lips! lol.

I came across this recipe about 5 years ago and never looked further. It is pretty amazing and has turned out every time I’ve made it (despite the few times it cracked on top, but I just covered it with cherry topping and it made no difference )

Recipe:

crust

• 15 graham crackers, crushed
• 2 tablespoons butter, melted

• 4 (8 ounce) packages cream cheese
• 1 1/2 cups white sugar
• 3/4 cup milk
• 4 eggs
• 1 tablespoon vanilla extract
• 1 cup sour cream
• 1/4 cup all-purpose flour

Directions-

• Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C)
• Grease a 9 inch springform pan
• In a medium bowl, mix graham cracker crumbs with melted butter. Put into the pan and press it down ( to form your crust)
• In a large bowl, mix cream cheese with sugar until smooth. Blend in milk, and then mix in the eggs one at a time. Mix in sour cream, vanilla and flour until smooth. Pour filling into onto crust.

Bake in preheated oven for 1 hour. Turn the oven off, let cool in oven with the door closed for 5 to 6 hours; this prevents cracking. Chill in Fridge until ready to serve.

While I was in the ICU, I would hear bits and pieces of what was wrong with my roommates, I witnessed one woman come close to passing and watched as a man signed a do not resuscitate order. That really threw me, I was somewhat in awe of him and that decision. He was an older man, he had lung cancer, that was inoperable. Basically, he wasn’t getting treatment, only comfort measures. They described what would take place with resuscitation, which I admit, sounded unpleasant and painful but to me, hey..it would bring you back!, right? Though, he said he would rather not suffer through that, if it’s his time than its his time. The bravery astounded me. His wife looked at me, smiling; she said ” You are far too young to be in here, you need to get out of here”

She was right, that place was not for me. Not that I wasn’t ill enough to be in there at that time, but for me to even be in a place like that, was an eye opener for me.

When it came time, that I was able to leave, I asked to get my I.V taken out of my hand ( I haattteee those things ) The nurse said she wasn’t going to do it yet. She said, she was superstitious and wouldn’t take it out until the time that I was going to walk out the door, because she believed that then I wouldn’t end up back there, and I didn’t.

Another time that stands out to me, was in a double bed room. The first roomie had left, so I was thankful to not have to deal with someone else and have some privacy but that night, they brought an old woman in. As she was wheeled in she was moaning and groaning, I’m ashamed to admit it at first but I was said to myself, Oh great, now I’ll never be able to sleep” She sounded like she was in a lot of pain and from what I was hearing, she had cancer somewhere in her “stomach” I got out of bed, to use the bathroom. Wheeling my I.V pole with me. As I came out of the bathroom, her quiet voice said ” Hello, what’s your name?” I looked at her, she was a tiny pleasant looking old lady, with silvery hair. I smiled and said, “My name is Amber” She smiled and said, “What a lovely name for a beautiful girl” Of course, I was won over,heh.

Over the next few days, we talked, she asked about my life, my children, she told me about her husband. We discussed our dislike for the water they would bring us, in these big styrofoam cups. When I was able to get out of bed, I’d go get us some bottled water. She gave me some chocolate bars to give to my boys. I liked her, I felt for her.

She would do her makeup and hair each morning, she had face cream that she told me she gets sent over from Europe. She has grown kids, a husband. She called her husband each day, asked him to bring her slippers and her robe because she didn’t like the hospital slippers and gown. I never did see her husband, he never came while I was still there. She told me she had cancer before, that had gone away and now came back in her stomach. I’m not sure what they were planning on doing with her, if anything at all.

I would hear her cry, hear her pray and read the bible. She would cry out to GOD and ask why she was going through what she was going through. It made me feel so bad. At that point in my life, I had stopped believing in GOD and hearing her cry out to him almost made me angry. Her pastor and his wife came to visit her the one day, brought her flowers and chocolate ( which she gave to me ) and prayed for her and with her. I remember thinking, she’s crying and in pain and all they are doing is reciting scripture to her!? How is that going to help her, what’s that going to do for her. Yet, it did calm her and she was grateful for it. Although she was thankful for the flowers she told me that she wished they were fake ones, “they don’t lose colour or die”

When it came down to the time, when I was well enough to leave, I felt..bad, I hated leaving her there, alone. I feel I did calm her and bring her some kind of comfort, she wasn’t moaning and crying like when she had first came in, and I hated leaving her to the hospital staff (because sometimes you really need to stay on top of them). When it came to saying goodbye, I was gathering my stuff up and looked at her, saying goodbye and telling her to make sure that “..the nurses change your I.V site every few days because it’s not good for it to stay in one spot for long periods of time, it can cause a blood infection, so make sure you tell them!” I admit, I started crying while saying it and looking at her. I had to bite my lip and told her to take care of herself. She said,”You go home and take care of your little boys. GOD bless you”. I told her thanks, and rushed out the room because I didn’t want her to see me crying.

I was waiting at the elevator, in front of the nurses station, at that point I had lost it a little bit and a nurse saw me and asked me if I was okay. Ha, I must of seemed crazy, how people cry when they are leaving a hospital, well? *chuckle* I told her that I was just sad to leave that lady ( I had said her name ) and the nurse said something along the lines of not to worry, that she’ll be okay, and the elevator came.

I went downstairs to my sister, waiting in her car for me and got in, tears still on my face. She asked if I was ok, and I told her what happened and asked her to take me to Walmart.

After going to Walmart, we returned to the hospital to make a delivery. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to handle it emotionally, so I sent my sister back up to the room;

With a robe, slippers, a case of bottled water and a decorative pot of artificial flowers.

My sister came down, she said she was about to cry too ( She’s not a big cry baby like me ) She was the woman was so happy, she asked GOD to bless us and asked her to tell me thank you.

Of course, silly me, as I remember her and that experience, I’m sitting here crying, again. I’m not sure what became of her but I thank GOD for giving me the that experience and allowing me to experience her. I hope I made even the tiniest impact on her, because she made one on me that I pray to never forget.