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This is going to be honest.

Which makes it uncomfortable, for me and perhaps the reader but this is my reality.

I’m not sure exactly a which point life started spiraling into the isolation that I now live in. I’m sure if I sat and thought about it I could but it doesn’t change the end result. I ‘d say that I spend 95% percent of the year, just with my children and it’s not that I don’t want to have a social life, it’s not that I want to go out or have people over. I just can’t.

As time has gone by and behaviors have got more difficult, things like taking the kids to friends houses or family get togethers no longer became an option for me. I COULD go, but I choose not to and I choose not to for my own sanity and stress level.

I don’t get to sit and visit, have a glass of wine and chit chat like I see other parents doing. No. My visits consist of constantly checking to see what my child is doing, following him around, saying “Don’t touch that. Don’t open that. No, put it back. Stay inside. Stay outside with us. Uh oh..where did he go?” Panic attacks. Not being able to listen to the other person because my child wants my constant attention and gets upset if I am not giving it to him and answering his questions that he perservates on which can lead to a meltdown, etc. So in all and all. It’s more stress than pleasurable for me.

Having people over? Forget about it!

My place is in a constant disarray. My little guy is a nudest, which makes for awkward situations. Again, the attention thing still applys so all and all. Too much stress for me. I don’t even do phone calls because it’s too stressful.

With all that being said..it’s a little depressing.

Maybe more than a little. Sometimes it’s a lot depressing.

People don’t understand. Some say you’re using your child as an excuse or some told me I need to stop letting my child run my life.

It’s no excuse. At the end of the day, I need to be okay. I do what I need to survive and get by with my mind intact. I do what I need to save my patience and not burn out. If it was easier, I’d be there, I’d have people here but it gives me more anxiety than it’s worth, with circumstances being what they are.

When I do have the rare opportunity of being alone and able to do something. I usually end up choosing to just lay in bed because other things seem like too much of an effort and I sit there calculating how much sleep I’d lose if I go out because all Autism parents know the value of sleep since we all walk around like sleep deprived zombies.

So, I’ve dug myself into a seemingly comfortable hole which others like to term “being a hermit”.

Although I long for life to be different and I have to say social networks just add to the feeling that you’re missing so much out of life.

I see everyone on my feed going out, having BBQ’s, going out for drinks, dinner. Going on vacation (vacation? What’s that) Taking up opportunity’s that I had to pass over because I couldn’t go because I have no child care. I see people living my dream job, which I can’t all the way pursue because..of obvious reasons and on some days it just kills you. I sit and debate deleting my accounts but don’t because honestly, it’s the only I can still communicate and have any social interaction anymore.

A lot of people cannot grasp any of what I’m saying and they never will unless they have to live it.

I get a lot of “Just” advice.

JUST make him put on clothes.

JUST make him stop spitting.

JUST bring some toys with you.

I didn’t realize it was JUST so simple! /sarcasm

Really though, but that’s a whole other post! 😉

 

I don’t have advice to give others. This is more of a venting post I suppose. I’m hopefully not coming across as being engulfed in self pity. I’m being honest and this is my reality, this is what I’m dealing with and living with and at the end of the day, I’ll always put my children first because that’s just how it should be. I just want people to understand that I’m not being “antisocial” or a hermit or using my childs autism as an excuse for anything. At the end of the day I do what I need to do for me and my kids and that will always be the bottom line and if I lose people along the way that can’t understand this, than that is what it is and those kind of people I really don’t need in my life anyway.

 

 

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