I’m terrified of the future.
I don’t know what it’s going to look like.
I don’t know if basic living is going to push my hand to make hard decisions that I have no desire to make.
I don’t know what the next school year will bring.
What behaviors, peers, teachers and meetings we will be faced with.
I don’t know what we will do when in a few years High school will come and go..
and then what?
I have an “I wish” list in my head that could never happen without a time machine and being born to another family.
I have a “could have/should have and if only” list too.
They don’t help me at all, obviously.
I have to admit and no parent of a special needs kid readily says this aloud but whenever I see children of my sons age group, a die a little inside.
I suppose, all the sadness and feeling sorry for him because he can’ do this or that, like them or won’t experience this or that is actually somewhat selfish in a way.
It’s not like he is off in a corner feeling sorry for himself or crying in his room because he can’t do what other kids do.
No, he’s happily oblivious to it all and happy in his own world, which may in fact be better than ours. Maybe we are the ones missing out and suffering and we don’t even realize it. This world wasn’t meant to be as complicated as it is and we bear more stress than we are created to but that’s another post.
Back to the future.
I have no choice but to take it one day at a time and take things as they come, crossing the bridges when I get to them.
In the meantime I’m going to just enjoy his smile and laugh, his joy, his cuddles and let his love, for today, cast out the fear.